Branding The Lie: Why High Achievers Feel Like Frauds (And How to Stop)
What if the unworthiness you feel isn't real—and the success you're chasing is making it worse?
You’re crushing it. Promotions. Revenue targets. Recognition. All the external markers of success are there.
So why do you still feel like a fraud?
My guest this week, Kendra Dahlstrom, calls this “branding the lie.”
For years, she built her coaching practice around the concept of “The Unworthy Leader”—helping executives who felt like impostors despite their achievements.
But then she realized something profound: unworthiness isn’t the truth. It’s the lie we’ve been conditioned to believe.
The truth? You’re a high achiever caught in a dopamine trap, chasing external validation that will never satisfy you.
This conversation goes deep. We’re talking trauma, neurochemistry, faith, and the messy work of becoming a leader who doesn’t need constant proof of their worth.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re one mistake away from being exposed as a fraud, this one’s for you.👇
Connect with Kendra Dahlstrom
Website: https://kendradahlstrom.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kendra.dahlstrom/
The Achievement Addiction Nobody Talks About
Here’s what most leadership advice won’t tell you: achievement is an addiction.
Every time you hit a goal, close a deal, or get promoted, your brain releases dopamine. That feels good. Really good. So you chase the next hit. And the next. And the next.
But here’s the problem: your dopamine receptors aren’t designed for constant stimulation.
When you blast them with achievement after achievement, they actually shrink to protect themselves. Which means you need bigger wins to feel the same satisfaction.
Sound familiar?
Kendra and I unpacked the neuroscience behind this during our conversation. We talked about how this pattern mirrors other addictions—alcohol, drugs, gambling, even sugar.
The mechanism is identical. You’re not weak. You’re not broken. You’re experiencing a predictable neurochemical response to a society that rewards external validation above all else.
The solution isn’t to stop achieving. It’s to address the root cause of why you need the achievement in the first place.
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The Ego Trap: Building an Image Instead of a Self
I shared something on this episode I don’t talk about often: I got fired twice from executive roles I loved. CMO. CEO. Both times, I thought I was crushing it. Both times, I was blindsided.
When I finally did the self-awareness work, it all came back to ego.
I was so focused on how people perceived me, on the status symbols, on proving I belonged, that I made terrible decisions. I was building an image of who I thought I should be instead of becoming who I actually was.
Kendra sees this constantly with her Fortune 500 clients.
Leaders who’ve achieved everything society told them to achieve, but they’re empty inside. They’ve built a house of cards, and they know it. One strong wind and the whole thing collapses.
The PEAK framework addresses this directly. Purpose isn’t about external validation. It’s about internal alignment. When you’re operating from ego, you’re not aligned with your actual purpose—you’re performing for an audience that doesn’t even exist.
“Will This Bring Me Closer to Peace?”
Kendra shared the one question she asks herself hundreds of times a day: “Will this bring me closer to peace?”
Not success. Not achievement. Not validation.
Peace.
If the answer is no, the answer is no. Even if it’s a lucrative contract. Even if it’s a prestigious opportunity. Even if everyone else thinks you should do it.
This is RealityOS in action. You’re the operating system.
You decide what inputs you accept and what outputs you generate. But most leaders are running someone else’s code—their parents’, their industry’s, their ego’s.
Kendra’s question is a filter. A way to debug your operating system and figure out whose code you’re actually running.
For leaders with ADHD (and honestly, for all leaders), this question is critical. We’re wired to chase novelty, to say yes to everything, to prove ourselves constantly. But that’s a recipe for burnout. Peace isn’t passive. It’s the foundation for sustainable high performance.
The Work Nobody Wants to Do
Here’s where the conversation got raw.
Kendra didn’t arrive at her coaching philosophy through books or certifications. She got there through rock bottom. Childhood trauma. Abuse. Drug addiction. A double life where she was a high performer at work but barely recognized herself in the mirror.
She had to do the work. Deep reparenting therapy. Inner child healing. The kind of stuff that makes most executives uncomfortable because it requires admitting you’re not okay.
But here’s what she learned: “You can only take clients as deep as you’ve been willing to go yourself.” (That’s a Steve Chandler quote, and it’s gold.)
Most leadership advice is surface-level because the people giving it haven’t done the deep work. They’re teaching tactics, not transformation. They’re telling you how to optimize your calendar, not how to heal the wounds driving your need for constant achievement.
I’ve experienced this too. For years, I repressed emotions. My father raised me with the “men are strong, shoulders back, don’t show weakness” mentality. When bad things happened, I pushed them down. And they festered. They came out as aggression, poor decisions, relationship problems.
The only way past trauma is through it. You have to let the emotions wash through you. Cry if you need to cry. Rage if you need to rage. Process it in a healthy way, or it will eat you from the inside out.
Kendra uses a 24-48 hour rule. When something bad happens, she gives herself that window to feel it fully. Then she moves forward. Not because the pain is gone, but because she’s processed it instead of repressing it.
This is Execution in the PEAK framework.
Not the fake hustle-culture version where you ignore your emotions and “just grind.” The real version where you process what needs processing so you can show up fully for what matters.
Stop Hiding
A few days before this conversation, I was journaling. Just my normal morning page. And out of nowhere, I wrote: “Stop hiding.”
I didn’t plan it. I wasn’t thinking about it. It just came out.
And it gave me chills. Still does.
I haven’t fully unpacked what it means yet. But there’s something inside me that knows I’m hiding from something. Maybe it’s a decision I need to make. Maybe it’s a truth I need to speak. Maybe it’s just showing up more authentically.
Kendra talked about this too—how insights come through journaling, voice notes, walking. How you have to capture them, process them, and then publish them (even if “publishing” just means archiving them in a personal note).
This is how you build Awareness in the PEAK framework. Not through endless introspection, but through creating space for insights to emerge and then doing something with them.
Most people capture insights and never revisit them. They’re buried in some folder, some voice note, some journal page. But when you publish them—when you turn them into something real—they lock into your operating system. They become part of how you think and operate.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
One of the most powerful things Kendra said: “A lot of times, people just need permission.”
Permission to feel their emotions. Permission to admit they’re struggling. Permission to leave a job that’s killing them. Permission to stop performing and start being.
That’s what great coaches do. They don’t give you tactics. They give you permission to be human.
If you’re reading this and you’ve been grinding, achieving, proving yourself for years but you still feel empty—you have permission to stop. You have permission to ask, “Will this bring me closer to peace?” You have permission to do the deep work instead of just optimizing the surface.
You’re not unworthy. You’re not broken. You’re just running the wrong code.
Key Takeaways
The unworthiness you feel is a lie. You’re a high achiever caught in a pattern of external validation. The truth is you’re already enough.
Achievement is an addiction. Your dopamine receptors shrink when overstimulated, which is why you need bigger wins to feel the same satisfaction. Address the root cause, not the symptom.
Ego builds images, not selves. If you’re focused on how people perceive you instead of who you actually are, you’re building a house of cards.
Ask better questions. “Will this bring me closer to peace?” is a filter for every decision you make.
Process your emotions or they’ll destroy you. Repression doesn’t work. Give yourself a window to feel it fully, then move forward.
You can only lead others as deeply as you’ve gone yourself. Surface-level tactics won’t create transformation. Do the deep work.
Publish your insights. Capturing them isn’t enough.
Turn them into something real so they lock into your operating system.
This is the way.
Hanley
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