The Influence Paradox: Why Peak Performers Stop Trying to Convince People
The 3-word phrase that changed how my team responds to everything.
I used to think I was a pretty persuasive guy.
I had the data. The logic. Slides that would make McKinsey consultants weep.
Yet somehow, I kept hitting the same wall.
People would nod politely in meetings. Then log off Zoom and do exactly what they were doing before.
It took me way too long to realize the problem.
It wasn't my argument.
It was my approach.
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The Great CRM Disaster of 2019
I was convinced our team needed a new customer relationship management system.
The old one was clunky. Outdated. Frankly embarrassing when we demoed it to clients.
So I spent weeks building the perfect case:
ROI calculations
Feature comparisons
Implementation timelines
I was ready to drop the mic.
The presentation went flawlessly. My team sat there, nodding at all the right moments.
"Any questions?" I asked.
Silence.
I took that as agreement.
Three months later, we were still using the old system.
And I was pissed.
That's when I learned the hardest lesson of my career:
Peak influence isn't about having the best argument. It's about understanding why people resist change in the first place.
The Psychology of Peak Influence
Here's what I wish someone had told me earlier:
People don't resist your ideas because they're illogical.
They resist them because change is scary. And you haven't addressed their fears.
Think about it.
When someone presents you with a new way of doing things, your brain immediately calculates risk:
What if this doesn't work?
What if I look stupid?
What if I lose something I value?
What if this makes me less valuable?
These aren't irrational fears. They're survival instincts.
And they operate at a subconscious level. Which means all the logic in the world won't overcome them.
I learned this during my CRM debacle.
While I focused on features and benefits, my team worried about competence and control.
I spoke to their rational minds. But their emotional minds ran the show.
Most leaders try to overcome resistance with more data. Better arguments. Or worse—positional authority.
"Because I said so" might work with your five-year-old.
It's a disaster in the workplace.
You might get compliance. But you'll never get commitment.
Peak performers take a different approach.
They understand that influence isn't about winning debates. It's about creating conditions where people feel safe to change.
It's about addressing emotional concerns before you ever get to logical ones.
The Three Pillars of Peak Influence
After years of screwing this up (and occasionally getting it right), I've identified three core principles:
1) Curiosity Over Certainty
The moment you walk into a room convinced you have all the answers, you've lost.
People smell certainty from a mile away. And it makes them defensive.
Instead, lead with genuine curiosity.
Not the fake kind where you ask questions to set up your point. Real curiosity about what people think and feel.
When I finally went back to my team about the CRM, I started differently.
Instead of re-presenting my case, I asked:
"Help me understand what's working about our current system that you don't want to lose."
The floodgates opened.
They weren't worried about features or ROI.
They were worried about:
Losing workarounds they'd developed
Shortcuts they'd mastered
The sense of expertise they'd built over years
Once I understood that, we could have a real conversation.
About how to preserve what mattered while upgrading what didn't.
2) Validation Before Vision
Most leaders get this backwards.
We're so excited about our vision that we skip past acknowledging the present reality.
People need to feel heard before they'll listen.
It's not enough to understand their concerns. You have to reflect them back in a way that shows you really get it.
"So what I'm hearing is you're not opposed to improving our CRM. But you're worried any change will disrupt the efficiency you've built. Is that right?"
That simple act of validation changes everything.
Suddenly, you're not adversaries debating competing ideas.
You're collaborators are working on the same problem.
3) Co-Creation Over Persuasion
This is the super secret weapon to getting what you want…
People support what they help create.
Instead of trying to convince people to buy your solution, invite them to help build it.
Ask them what the ideal system would look like.
Get them to identify problems with the status quo.
Let them discover the need for change themselves.
When my team started describing their ideal CRM system, they basically described the new system I'd been trying to sell them.
But now it wasn't my idea.
It was theirs.
And that made all the difference.
Finding Your Peak Influence
The path to peak influence isn't about better presentations.
It's about becoming a better listener. A more empathetic leader. A more collaborative problem-solver.
It's recognizing that your job isn't to have all the answers. It's to ask the right questions.
“It’s not about being right, it’s about getting it right.”
It's not to eliminate resistance. It's to understand what's driving it.
It's not to convince people to follow you. It's to create an environment where they want to.
This shift requires a fundamental change in how you view your role.
Instead of being the person with all the solutions, you become the person who helps others discover solutions.
Instead of being the smartest person in the room, you become the person who makes everyone else feel smarter.
It's harder than it sounds.
Your ego will fight you every step of the way.
There's something deeply satisfying about being the expert. The one with answers. The person everyone turns to for direction.
But that satisfaction comes at a cost.
It makes you the bottleneck in every decision. The single point of failure in every initiative.
Peak performers understand that true influence multiplies through others.
When you help people discover insights for themselves, those insights stick.
When you validate their concerns before presenting solutions, those solutions feel collaborative rather than imposed.
When you invite people to co-create the future, they become invested in making it happen.
This is what peak performance looks like in leadership…
Not the ability to force your will on others. But the ability to align their will with a shared vision of success.
It's the difference between being a chess master moving pieces around a board and being a conductor helping an orchestra create something beautiful together.
The Influence Paradox
Here's the irony…
The less you try to convince people, the more convincing you become.
The more you listen, the more they'll hear you.
The more you validate their concerns, the more they'll trust your solutions.
The more you share ownership of the vision, the more committed they become to achieving it.
That's the influence paradox.
And once you understand it, everything changes.
Your meetings become more productive.
Your initiatives gain momentum faster.
Your team becomes more engaged.
And you stop feeling like you're pushing a boulder uphill every day.
But here's the thing…
You can’t fake it.
People sense authenticity from a mile away.
If you're going through the motions of listening while secretly waiting to spring your predetermined solution, they'll know.
And they'll resist even harder.
The only way this works is if you genuinely believe that the people you lead have valuable insights, legitimate concerns, and creative solutions.
You have to trust that collective intelligence is greater than individual intelligence.
…and you have to be willing to be surprised by what emerges when you create space for that collective intelligence to flourish.
This is the way.
Hanley
P.S. What's your experience with influence vs. authority?
I'd love to hear your stories—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Drop me a line or share in the comments. We're all figuring this out together.